Netflix’s ‘One Day’ portrays the politics of privilege in relationships
The Netflix adaptation of beloved David Nicholls novel One Day has hit the public (read: online) consciousness so hard, it’s like we’re bleeding sentimentality and nostalgia.
A bestselling book, film, and now smash TV show, One Day follows the story of Emma and Dexter (played in the series by Ambika Mod and Leo Woodall), who meet at university and develop a close, perhaps unlikely, friendship. As we check in with our protagonists on the same day each year throughout their 20s and 30s, we see them love and lose, succeed and fail, ultimately navigating what they mean to each other.
However, the story isn’t just about romance or friendship – it often negotiates the impact of privilege on relationships.
The privilege of not having a plan
One Day is peppered with passing conversations and memorable lines about privilege — from superior knowledge of wine pairings to getting a leg up in a competitive industry — even if the word itself is never uttered. In the first episode, when they’re first getting to know each other, Emma asks Dex what he wants to do with his life after graduation. When he seems to have no clear answer except “travel”, she’s incredulous that someone can view “going on holiday” as a life plan — but that’s what comes with having the economic capital to not have to worry (at least immediately) about getting a job straight out of uni.
The underlying theme of privilege and financial stability unravels as the story develops. When Emma is working in an extremely questionable Mexican restaurant to make ends meet after moving to London, Dex tries to tip her personally in an unbelievably uncomfortable moment. While Dex sees it as an act of kindness, Emma is deeply insulted by the gesture. Later, he implores Emma to “stay on the ride” and stick out living in London, even though she is creatively and financially struggling. However innocently, Dex doesn’t see the sacrifices that are often necessary for less advantaged groups when it comes to “success”.
Nicholls touches on the issue in the book (published 15 years ago), with a memorable line about Dexter’s irritable view on Emma’s social class being:
“There was a kind of vanity and self-regard in that working class hero act that sent him crazy.”
It depicts the impatience that a more entitled person may feel if they don’t understand how it may impact others, particularly if they lack it themselves.
We see Dexter travel the world (presumably on his parents’ dime) while Emma travels with an independent theatre troupe and lives on a bus, almost opting to move home to Leeds due to her lack of funds and other creative opportunities. Once they’re both living in London, we see their lives move further apart at least due to Dexter’s relatively easy entry into the exclusive world of media and Emma’s struggle to juggle her dream of writing with a day job.
Things snowball to a shocking climax where Dex, now a semi-famous TV presenter, accuses Emma of being jealous of him, calling envy “the tax you pay for success”. This stings, for her and many members of the audience, particularly seeing as he got his break through a family friend and (presumably unpaid) work experience, much like many successful (albeit privileged) people.
How conversations around privilege have changed
Conversations about privilege and how it feeds into our perception of ourselves and others have moved on hugely since the ’80s, 90s and ’00s, which is when the TV series is set. The concept itself, how it manifests and substantive research around it, didn’t fully begin until 1988, when U.S. women’s studies scholar Peggy McIntosh wrote a paper called White Privilege and Male Privilege.
Thankfully, times have moved along — though we undoubtedly have far to go — which is why it’s so refreshing that the issue is touched upon so holistically throughout in a 2024 remake of a Noughties novel, where we might not have picked up on its subtle hints at privilege politics at first read. And why it’s important that these conversations continue. At a time where this issue is often discussed, from pretty privilege to the gender pay and pension gap (even if its worst side effects haven’t been neutralised), TV series and films have a responsibility to acknowledge an issue that is still very prevalent.
In an interview with Glamour, One Day actor Ambika Mod has spoken about the “loaded” lines her character Emma and Dex shared about privilege, particularly his insistence that she should “stay on the ride” in London, whatever it may cost her financially.
The script — written by Bijan Sheibani, Anna Jordan, and Vinay Patel, led by show creator Nicole Taylor and Nicholls — impacted Mod, due to her awareness that a woman – particularly a woman of colour – would’ve had an even tougher time a few decades ago in terms of disadvantage and inequality. Communicating her struggles to her friends, colleagues, and partners would also have been even more difficult than today.
Mod even drew on her own similar experiences, telling the publisher, “I’ve been that person in that conversation where someone with much more, I suppose, blatant privilege has told me or given me advice that just doesn’t apply to me. That just doesn’t apply to my experience.”
What is privilege and how can it affect relationships?
So what exactly is privilege? According to psychologist Dr. Rina Bajaj, it refers to “unearned advantages” any individual might have due to a range of elements of their social identity, such as “race, gender, sexual orientation, socioeconomic states, ability, or other factors”.
In addition to the complexity that comes with the intersectionality of privilege, relationship therapist Madalaine Munro tells Mashable that it is a taboo subject “by design, because those who have it, benefit from it, and those who have it, often have more power to shape the format of society. Therefore, it can be a sensitive topic to bring up if you do have it, or vice versa.” It can be something that we’ve internalised our entire lives, and can also challenge “deeply held beliefs about meritocracy and individual achievement, leading to feelings of defensiveness or shame,” Bajaj tells Mashable.
And yet, we see it play out in One Day. Dex’s inability to understand and acknowledge his privilege as a wealthy, white, upper middle class man makes him come across as less caring than he perhaps is, and Emma’s shame and frustration by her own lack of social and financial capital similarly distances her from her friend and romantic interest. If not navigated and discussed properly, it can play a huge part in destabilising both friendships and romantic relationships.
“Seeing privilege play out between friends can lead to emotional pain including jealousy, bitterness or frustration,” Munro says, explaining that this can lead to “relational rupture” due to a lack of emotional safety felt on one or both sides. She describes differing levels of entitlement in a romantic relationship, which can see biases emerge. “Emotionally it can create complex and nuanced ruptures through the wounds that it can bring up, the power imbalances at play, and the assumptions made,” she says.
“Seeing privilege play out between friends can lead to emotional pain including jealousy, bitterness or frustration.”
Munro points out how advantage can create a disconnect between partners, which can also affect emotional intimacy. “A key part of intimacy is feeling seen by the other person,” she says. “When there is a difference in privilege, this can have an impact where neither person feels fully seen or understood in their experience because ultimately it is so different from the other.” Mindfully acknowledging difference in people’s circumstances is vital to relationships, so that it doesn’t disrupt your core intimacy or breed resentment, two things that certainly happen with Dexter and Emma.
“When this is consciously looked at it can create even deep intimacy and understanding,” says Munro. “However, I can often see it fractured and left at the place of ‘You don’t understand me’ which creates emotional distance and a lack of emotional safety within the relationship.”
How privilege impacts our sense of identity
As well as infiltrating our romantic and platonic relationships, our privilege or lack thereof can mess with our sense of identity and how we perceive our successes and failures, which we see play out for Emma and Dexter in One Day.
“Our perception of privilege, both our own and others’, can influence our motivation and ambition,” Bajaj explains. “Individuals who recognise its role in their success may feel a greater sense of responsibility to use their advantages in life for positive change or to advocate for equity and justice. On the other hand, individuals who deny or ignore their advantages in life may be less motivated to challenge systemic inequalities.”
She adds that reflecting on how privilege informs the high points (such as successes and happiest moments) in our lives, as well as perhaps the bad, can make us more balanced as people and in our relationships.
“Recognising its role in our success can cultivate gratitude and humility, as we acknowledge the support, opportunities, and advantages that have contributed to our achievements. This can foster a more realistic perspective on our accomplishments and a greater appreciation for the contributions of others,” says Bajaj.
As well as inner recognition, communicating how we feel about our privilege or lack thereof is crucial for our own sense of self, not to mention our relationships. Dexter and Emma’s story proves how hard it is to do, particularly how to begin, but also how important it is to try.
“Opening up about your background, challenges you faced and prejudices that you feel you face can be a really powerful way to support healing,” Munro says. She describes these discussions as powerful due to their ability to “disrupt possible secrecy, assumptions and covert agreements”.
“They help to create safety, and help others to understand privilege in a way that doesn’t shame them,” she says. “When we create relational safety to explore these topics, then we can challenge each other, which stops unconscious imbalances taking place.”
As well as communication, Munro refers other crucial ways to move forward and for creating more comfortable conversations: educating younger people about privilege and finding networks of support. “To discuss and unpack [these issues] can take an emotional toil, especially as usually unfortunately the burden is left to the person with less privilege to approach the subject,” she says. “I really recommend support networks of people who are going through the same thing as you, so that you can receive the care and help while navigating these conversations.”
Communicating how we feel about our privilege or lack thereof is crucial for our own sense of self, not to mention our relationships.
Interaction and understanding, above all, is key to ensuring this issue doesn’t distance us from the people we love and our sense of self — a lesson beautifully highlighted through Dexter and Emma’s story. While we don’t see them discuss their difference in opportunities and social and financial advantage onscreen, we do see them both navigate certain milestones that seem to shift their understanding of privilege and how it defines them. Dexter dates (and, spoiler, marries) a woman much wealthier than him — and we see him struggle with the social disconnect. Emma achieves the middle class dream of becoming a writer, and perhaps gains some financial and cultural capital, which is a privilege in itself.
Munro insists that attempting to connect with your loved ones about this issue may have the power to “rewrite” privilege and its impact. “Ultimately, as long as we interact and understand each other with enough care and respect, we can begin to rewrite the privileges that have been previously set by generations before us,” she says.
Excitingly, the way in which One Day portrays privilege is sure to start conversations, pushing us that much closer to being able to rewrite its impact on our relationships.