So, your partner watches porn. Here’s why it’s not a problem.
In any given minute, about 32,497 are watching porn in the U.S, according to Bedbible. Before the age of 18, about 93 percent of young boys and 62 percent of young girls are exposed to porn. For better or worse, porn consumption is a painfully common experience that generally isn’t discussed without shame, and within relationships it’s barely acknowledged without apprehension and friction.
But, why? Tessah Joseph, the co-founder of Squirm, a platform dedicated to building healthy sexual communication skills, believes there are two major stigmas around porn that really create a foundation for discontent within a relationship – one on the creator side and the other on the consumer side.
“I think there’s still a lot of stigma that people who make porn or work in the porn industry are doing it because they’re desperate and they have no other options and they’re kind of forced into it,” she said. “There’s certainly cases where people are pushed into a situation they don’t want to be in, but there’s also a lot of consensual sex work and people who choose to do it because they want to and they love it and it’s the career that they’ve set out to do for themselves.”
These uninformed ideas, she believes, extend to stigmas around porn consumers. “There’s so much moral baggage associated with it,” she said. “If this industry is coercive and exploitative and there’s a lot of danger and violence and you’re contributing to that by watching it, then there’s something wrong with you or it’s an unhealthy behavior.” With these assumptions, she said it’s easy to question someone’s character based on how much and what type of porn they watch.
“I think a lot of the stigma and shame around porn is undergirded with this idea that it is a less desirable replacement for sex as opposed to a supplement.”
Porn isn’t replacing sex, it’s supplementing it
“I think a lot of the stigma and shame around porn is undergirded with this idea that it is a less desirable replacement for sex as opposed to a supplement, that people are sort of forced to watch and that they don’t necessarily want to,” Mikelle Street, a New York-based Blackness, queerness and culture journalist, said. “As a result, it’s viewed as a less fulfilling replacement which is why I think when you talk about it in a relationship, it can get weird because people wonder, well, why are you watching porn if we’re in a relationship.”
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Street is gay, and he has talked about porn and acknowledged it in numerous relationships of his. However, he says that the reality of two men dating is that they’ve both been socialized around sex as men are – the more sex they can have the better. “If neither of us have this idea that I have to have less sex to be of more value, then you will have the 15 minute hookup in a fucking bathroom stall, because neither one of us is worrying about shame,” he said. “If a guy who has a quick hookup is going to get a pat on the back for it, how do you think it goes if you have two guys?”
“I understand that watching porn has nothing to do with me. It doesn’t make me feel a way or feel left out.”
In one relationship in particular he recalls his partner at the time having sexual desires that Street wasn’t open to. When having the discussion of whether or not his partner needed to fulfill those desires within their relationship, he found that watching porn that included it was sufficient.
“I understand that watching porn has nothing to do with me. It doesn’t make me feel a way or feel left out,” Street said. It’s the idea that porn watching is desirable because the other person is lacking where a problem comes up, which ultimately is a larger issue within the relationship than simply porn.
“For me, you’re getting what you’re getting out of that, and you’re getting what you’re getting out of me. The two things are not in competition. It’s clear that you need or want both of them.” After his then-partner shared that watching porn fed those desires, it wasn’t a discussion of what, when, or how much was being watched or if it was ok with him.
Statistically, porn – and the pursuit of sex – are more normalized among men. Yet, the reality is within heterosexual relationships porn can be a touchy subject. A report from The Wheatley Institution at Brigham Young University and the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture said roughly 1 in 3 women are concerned about their partner being more attracted to pornography and their partner thinking about pornography while being intimate.
Rick* a 30 year old from Chicago says one of his biggest turn ons is watching porn with a partner, but it’s always a quick conversation. He dates women. “It’s very rare to find a partner that’ll join you, watch with you, have interests, ask ‘what do you want to watch’, stuff like that. So when the partner is not into it, I’m not here to persuade,” he says.
“We all have our own feelings and assumptions about porn and it can be easy to project that onto a partner and bring that into a relationship.”
He’s had women tell him he watches too much porn. Although there’s been two partners that were into it, he finds it’s often a dealbreaker. “Sometimes they’ll break up with me or stop talking to me.” He’s even been ghosted after asking to watch porn together.
Porn isn’t the problem in the relationship
Many psychologists believe if porn is a problem within a relationship, it’s actually a reflection of other issues and the discussion of porn is the manifestation of it. As Ari Tuckman, a psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist writes in Psychology Today, these largely come down to communication and reveal issues with assumptions, how the couple negotiates, acceptance of one another and questions of each other’s decision making.
“We all have our own feelings and assumptions about porn and it can be easy to project that onto a partner and bring that into a relationship,” Joseph said. “How I feel about porn might be different from how my partner feels about it, but because it’s such a loaded topic, and because we don’t have a culture that talks very openly about sex or porn, it can breed a lot of fear and judgment and then you can just project that onto a partner.”
Ultimately, there’s uncertainty and a lack of education which can manifest as insecurities without discussing it. “It’s a lot harder to have a conversation with a partner about it than to just go to worst case scenarios in your head,” Joseph said. However, checking in with yourself about your relationship with porn before taking it to a partner is crucial.
Think about your own relationship with porn
Consider your own relationship with porn. Do you watch it? Why and when do you watch it? Does it make you uncomfortable? How does a partner watching it make you feel, and why do you feel that way?
After identifying your feelings, you can ask yourself if it’s the porn itself or something within the relationship. “A lot of people are concerned because their partners may be spending too much time or money on porn. We hear that a lot,” Joseph said. “Maybe that person isn’t getting the attention that they want from their partner.” Getting to the root or the need that isn’t being met rather than blaming the behavior you assume is causing it is where to start the conversation.
Joseph said it’s imperative to not dismissively diagnose behavior within these discussions. It’s very easy to wonder if someone is watching “too much” porn if you yourself aren’t into it. Some places to do some research include individual psychotherapist’s sites, a non-profit called The Porn Conversation and the ethical porn site and resource Afterglow. “Being gentle and being nuanced with your conversations with a partner and being really careful about labeling and pathologizing something that could be very healthy and fine behavior,” she said.
Once you’ve reconciled your own relationship with porn, discuss it with your partner with the intention to understand. Acknowledging that each of you have different wants, needs and desires is based in acceptance. Expecting those to disappear because you are their partner is much more centered in infatuation rather than partnership.
Ultimately, determining your comfort about porn within your relationship comes down to education and communication – two things that are overlooked when it comes to sex within our culture. Your boundaries are important, but establishing them from a well-informed place will allow for optimal understanding, connection and will likely forge more intimacy.