Watch porn with your partner. It could help your relationship.
When it comes to porn and relationships, one might assume the scenario always goes like the season one finale of the popular American tween drama, One Tree Hill, where one of the main characters, Haley (Bethany Joy Lenz), accidentally discovers the porn her boyfriend, Nathan (James Lafferty), had been watching and angrily confronts him about it.
But what if there’s a world in which porn use within the context of a relationship can be beneficial? In particular, watching porn with your partner. In contrast to the One Tree Hill scene that was filmed in 2003, as of 2021, research indicates that about 76 percent of Americans feel comfortable viewing porn with a partner.
At this point, you might be wondering how to initiate such an activity with your partner. Besides, watching porn is typically a solo activity. However, watching porn with your partner doesn’t have to be an awkward scenario where you pull out your phone, scroll through endless pages of Pornhub to find a video to watch together. You can expand your horizons and opt for a classic “Netflix and chill,” but instead of watching a classic rom-com, watch an erotic movie or show with lots of steamy scenes. You can also do some long-distance flirting by sending each other porn-related gifs throughout the day. If you’re feeling especially frisky, you both can attend a porn convention and see your favorite adult performers up close at an after party.
Regardless of the method you choose, sharing those experiences with your partner — no matter how unconventional it may seem on the surface — has its fair share of benefits. Imagine the new sex positions you and your partner might be more inclined to try after watching an explicit movie. Think about ideas for words and phrases you could incorporate into your dirty talk. And above all else, imagine how much closer your bond with your lover could become simply from doing something out of the ordinary.
If you like where this is heading, here are five specific ways watching porn with your partner can enhance your relationship:
It can enhance your communication
Interacting with any adult content together requires open and honest communication from both parties about what they want to watch and why they want to watch it. Rhiannon John, a porn researcher and certified sexologist at Bedbible.com, suggests that watching porn together can provide a platform for couples to discuss intimate topics in a safe and consensual environment. “Sharing these experiences can lead to more open and candid conversations about desires, preferences, and boundaries, thereby enhancing intimacy and communication within the relationship,” she says.
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You’ll likely discover new things about each other
Watching porn together as a couple can help people learn and understand each other’s desires, preferences and boundaries. As John puts it, “Couples can learn more about what turns them on and communicate their needs effectively, leading to a more satisfying and fulfilling sexual connection.”
“Couples can learn more about what turns them on and communicate their needs effectively, leading to a more satisfying and fulfilling sexual connection.”
Discovering new information about each other is important because you might realize that certain sexual acts that turn you on may not necessarily get your partner going the same way as it does for you. If you notice similarities in your desires and preferences, then that’s great! If you notice areas that differ, feel free to discuss how and why.
You might learn specific techniques
Porn should never be a replacement for comprehensive, medically accurate sex education.
Mainstream porn is designed as entertainment, not education. Instructional porn and certain NSFW educational sites, however, can be used as resources to learn techniques and acts. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, a sex coach and professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University Fullerton, indicates that watching porn together in a mindful way can benefit your relationship. “It’s more about how you use it and what kind you’re viewing,” she says. “Ethical porn and educational porn can be super helpful for couples as a novel way to explore our sexuality or a tool to bridge the gap between sexual encounters with our partner.”
Suwinyattichaiporn recommends looking at instructional videos on ethical porn sites. “Want to try anal but don’t know where to start? Try watching instructional anal sex porn videos,” she adds.
At the same time, couples should still read up on anal sex or from expert sources in the human sexuality field to educate themselves and have conversations before jumping in head first.
It can inspire new ideas in the bedroom
Watching porn together as a couple can also serve as a way to inspire you to try new sex positions, kinks, or fetishes you’ve never explored before.
“What are your sexual fantasies? Role play, threesomes, BDSM? You can watch those videos together while pleasuring each other,” Suwinyattichaiporn says. By creating a safe space for shared exploration, it’s more likely that you’ll reignite passion and excitement in the relationship.
With that said, if watching porn inspires you to try something new, make sure to read about safety and consent practices beforehand, as it’s imperative and should be discussed ahead of implementation in the bedroom. Though, porn can inspire new ideas, it shouldn’t be your only source of reference.
It helps strengthen your sense of connection
Because porn is still considered taboo in mainstream culture, watching it together can bring you closer together because you may feel as though you don’t have to hide anything from your partner. All of your likes, dislikes, potential fantasies, and potential boundaries become exposed by the conversations you’ll have when viewing porn together.
“The general rule of thumb is to first talk about this in a non-sexual context. Don’t bring it up before, during, or after sex. Talk about it over coffee or a hike or dinner.”
Couples still must be mindful of how to communicate their needs and express any potential concerns, especially if they don’t typically discuss porn use in their relationship. Suwinyattichaiporn says, “The general rule of thumb is to first talk about this in a non-sexual context. Don’t bring it up before, during, or after sex. Talk about it over coffee or a hike or dinner.”
It also helps to give your partner a heads up that you’d like to talk about something sexual that’s been on your mind as a way to prime them ahead of time instead of randomly blurting out “Let’s watch porn together.” When initiating the conversation, don’t mention anything negative during this talk (e.g., our sex life has been boring).
Suwinyattichaiporn recommends mentioning peer reviewed-research or an article online (like this research published in Frontiers in Psychology) that indicates watching porn together can be great for couples. “Assure them that this is a collaborative and fun journey for you to try together.”
“Assure them that this is a collaborative and fun journey for you to try together.”
John advises that couples choose the right time and setting before incorporating any shared porn use into their sexual escapades. “Bring up the topic of porn consumption when both partners are relaxed and have time to engage in a meaningful conversation,” she says. She also warns to refrain from discussing it during heated moments or when other distractions are present, as doing so can further escalate a subject that is generally considered taboo.
John also recommends using “I” statements to convey how certain aspects of porn consumption make you feel, rather than framing it as an accusation or blaming your partner. “This approach can foster understanding and empathy,” she adds.
And most importantly, seek compromise. One of you might prefer watching a popular scene from your favorite adult performer’s OnlyFans while the other might prefer listening to audio porn together first before adding anything visual. You may have to adjust your perspectives at first and that’s okay.
Ultimately, the main goal of watching porn together as a couple is to maintain a healthy and satisfying sexual connection within the relationship. When used as a tool to dive into curiosity and novelty, watching porn as a couple can create an environment where both partners feel safe expressing the deepest parts of themselves without fear of being judged or criticized. At the end of the day, some couples will end up loving it and incorporate porn watching into their sexual routine. Others may find that it’s better to do it only during specific occasions. Either way, allowing yourself to embark on new sexual adventures with your partner is more likely to help your relationship than hurt it. After all, couples who play together, stay together.
